Read it online at the Writers' Federation of Nova Scotia.
Dear Thieves
Runner-up in WFNS's Postcard Contest, "an annual competition for unpublished micro-writing by Nova Scotia residents."
Nov. 3
Dear thieves,
Besides the TV, I own
nothing of any value. Feel free to steal it. Since GOT ended, I hardly turn it
on, anyway.
The
pearls on my bureau are fake. A jeweller assessed them. Not the loot you’re
sniffing for but be my guest. My sister, Agnes, gave them to me for my
fortieth. That’s Agnes for you. Anything to pretend she’s better than she
really is. Want to rob her house? I’ll tell you where she stashes her
knitting. Joking.
Sorry.
You’re in a hurry. I get it.
The
only items in my safe are my will and computer backups on a jump drive. Avoid tampering
with the safe, please.
By
all means, take the credit card in the desk drawer, on the right. The bank
reimburses fraudulent transactions. Also, I’d appreciate the points.
Steal
the computer. It’s old. Insurance will replace it, minus the deductible. I can
always pretend I paid more for it than I actually did. How would they know the
difference? I bet you’re old hands at those kinds of tricks.
Housekeeping
notes:
· Help
yourself to the Pinot Grigio in the fridge. It’s Dry November for me soon as I’m
home.
· Careful—the
stairs can be slippery. Wouldn’t want you falling, then suing me. Ha!
· Kindly
shut whatever door or window you opened to break in here.
Back on the tenth. See
you then. NOT!
Cheers,
Shirley
PS:
Don’t forget the TV remote.