Meeting 1
Mona’s got the words down pat, gestures too—hands raised,
fingers splayed. “Be it resolved that the town of Sprucey adopt a Ten Reasons’
Campaign to promote tourism and investments.”
“I propose an amendment,” Kitty says. “Be it resolved that the Ten Reasons’ Campaign be changed to the Ten Seasons’ Campaign.”
Mona imagines quitting as mayor and hightailing it to some place where the sun shines overtime and the salt water’s warm. So what if the town can’t afford garbage collection, if there’s a boil-water advisory, no cell-phone access, nothing better than dial-up Internet? It’s not her fault they couldn’t find a darn buyer for the crab processing plant.
“Season number one,” Kitty says, “Mona season: storm surges, high-pressure systems—” She cups a hand over her mouth to stifle a giggle. “Strong gusts from north and south.”
Mona’s forehead sports a sideways barcode of wrinkles. Too bad she doesn’t have a doctor to check on that stabbing feeling in her chest. Severe indigestion or Kitty gnawing on her nerves?
Patrick laughs so hard you’d swear Kitty said something funny for a change. Mona resists the urge to blurt out a warning. “Save your guffaws for when the RCMP pull you over in that ambulance/hearse, then catch a whiff of formaldehyde mixed with contraband Gitanes and rum.”
Meeting 2
June wants her salon special featured in council’s
newsletter. Colour and cut, 50% off on Mondays. A Chase-the-Ace fundraising
campaign would be good too. She’s not used to talking in motions, so could
Kitty please do it for her?
Mona’s tempted to say, “Not over my roly-poly body,” but she sticks with her script: sustainable economic growth, revitalized Sprucey, etc.
June cracks gum like she’s practicing for a contest, can’t satisfy that craving for a smoke, rummages through her purse, whips out a comb and fusses with her hair.
Mona unfastens the top button on her skirt. Volcano’s erupting. Lava’s flowing up her throat all the way to her neck.
When the meeting is thank-God over, June strolls past Mona on the way out the door.
Mona tries her best not to sound like the retired school principal that she is. “The hairstyling is distracting. Could it wait until after council meetings?”
With her hand wrapped around Mona’s wrist, June says, “No prob. Just so you know, I’ll give you 50% off a new hairdo, any day. Get your roots done, girl. And while you’re at it, remind me to pluck those long black whiskers. No extra charge.”
Meeting 3
Kitty squeezes chuckles out of her audience. “The Honourable
Mona. The Mona Honourable. Your Mona.”
“Best fish and chips in the world,” Kitty says. “Philomena, put in an order. On Sprucey’s card.”
Philomena writes a list. “Pepsi or Coke? Diet or regular?”
Patrick: rum and coke.
Brother Brian: Mountain Dew. “Don’t substitute Sprite.”
June: onion rings.
Philomena asks if Mona wants large or small fries. “Gravy on the side? Dressing?”
Mona: “Can we please, please, just focus on reason number one.”
Patrick: “Ocean view.”
Kitty: “What view? Fog’s so thick half the time, I’m lucky if I can see my gorgeous gob in the mirror.”
June: “How about eligible bachelors as number—?”
Kitty: “Ninety-nine, same as their average age.”
Philomena writes down every Kitty word: “What are the bachelors eligible for? Old John Walters, blind as the dark, deaf as a rock. Eligible for Mona.”
Mona feels a Kitty-haloed migraine coming on.
Meeting 4
The town-hall’s roof buckles under the weight of the deluge.
Philomena, June, and Mona wade through water, meeting minutes floating at their
feet. June points to inkblots on one of the soaked pages. “Looky there. It’s
the face of Jesus.”
Meeting 5
Philomena’s on the other end of the phone line. The
councillors can’t wait any longer. It’s 7 p.m. The meeting will have to go
ahead without Mona. “Get well soon,” Philomena says.
Meeting 6
Town Launches Campaign